Australians are, as you know, a deeply weird people. You should never trust a country whose national past-time is date rape, particularly with something as important and beautiful as pornography.In fact, I fail to see any reason for the government to be involved in pornography that isn't keeping children from being abused. If you're the kind of person who agrees that nothing brings the sexy as hard as a bureaucracy, you might be the greatest pervert among us and you should probably be put to sleep. If nothing else, I think that we can all agree on that.
I'm also famous for my belief in the idea that women should control their own bodies, especially when that control means making them look as good as humanly possible. If that sometimes results in silicone-induced cancer or the occasional cardiac arrest from anorexia, well, that's just the price of freedom, isn't it?
But the last thing any woman should tolerate is her dreams being extinguished by some Australian porno politburo, which is precisely what's happening.
A reader writes, "Australian Classification Board (ACB) is now banning depictions of small-breasted women in adult publications and films. They banned mainstream pornography from showing women with A-cup breasts, apparently on the grounds that they encourage paedophilia, and in spite of the fact this is a normal breast size for many adult women. Presumably small breasted women taking photographs of themselves will now be guilty of creating simulated child pornography, to say nothing of the message this sends to women with modestly sized chests or those who favour them. Australia has also banned pornographic depictions of female ejaculation, a normal orgasmic sexual response in many women, with censors branding it as 'abhorrent.'"I always knew that those Paul-Hogan-worshipping bastards were misogynists, but this is just too much! Can't a girl get fucked so hard that she squirts all over everything anymore? Are those goddamned people at war with nature itself now?
Does the Australian government really want women with cute little A-cups to think that they'll never know the joy of a gang-bang? Who's to say that such a woman can't be hosed down with a mighty load of love? One of the great loves of my life was almost completely flat-chested. Does my spending years wanting to hold her like a puppet make me some kind of criminal?
Or is something more sinister going on? Could the entire government of Australia be in the pocket of Big Titty? I knew lobbyists should be destroyed!
I can't believe that we fought and died to protect those people from the heathen Japanese, lo those many years ago. Did we really fight for freedom there? It turns out that when Douglas MacArthur was wrong, he was epically wrong.
The only thing left to us is allow Australians to be overrun by Samoa and let them be beaten to death. Freedom demands it.
Link ruthlessly stolen from Kalim Kassam's Twitter feed
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